Very. Bad. Day.

It's incredible how things can change in a moment's time.

We got a phone call today from our case worker.  Nathaniel has been diagnosed with a special need that we are not sure we can handle. It is a special need that appears to be untreatable, as well. 

This came out of left field, as there was NO indication on any of the 3 updates we have from China. Seriously?   How could they miss this?   On one hand, I'm glad that they told us now...but on the other  hand, I wonder if those people have any clue at all what they are doing over there, if they care one little bit about him, or what the honest truth is at this point.  With all of the run-around we've had between our agency and China, I'm not sure which end is up.   

So, after I cried like a baby half the morning, we had to tell the girls that Nate may have a special need that we can't take care of and that we have a lot of big, big decisions to make.    I thought surely they'd handle it ok...possibly even sort-of shrug it off.   No dice.

Poor little Audrey started sobbing uncontrollably.   Maddie battled the emotions by making a poorly-timed joke and then sat there with a you've-got-to-be-kidding-look on her face.   Then the big whammy: to hear an 8-year old say with big  tears in her eyes  "I have a big pit in my stomach, Mommy.  I think this is what it feels to be heartbroken."   My 11-year-old pipes up and says, "Mom, who else will save him? I've already been calling him my brother!!"  Ugh.   Someone shoot me.   Shoot me now.

It sort of feels like I'm 20-weeks paper pregnant and am threatened with miscarriage.

 We need answers. Real, honest answers to our questions.  We need discernment as to what to do next. Do we continue on with Nathaniel?  Search for another child?  Run away and join the circus?   I am clinging to the truth that I know for certain -  that "I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength."   Just not sure I really want to or if this is truly His plan.    Please, don't judge.   This is really hard stuff and a bigger life-changing decision than I ever thought was possible.  Can this process become any more emotionally draining?  

So, now we wait again for a final confirmation as to the exact details of this situation and what to do next.  We are praying non-stop and are so grateful for all of you who have called, texted, emailed, and especially those of you who have lifted us up in prayer along your busy day.   We know without a doubt there's power in prayer and that He has it all taken care of.  Just wish I could get rid of this pit in my stomach, too.