Deep Breath

Next Thursday, our Dossier is scheduled to be mailed to China.  Wow!  At that point given 2-3 months on average, the Chinese government will approve us to adopt our boy and then all of the motions go into action to start planning our travel.  We're still SEVERAL months away from meeting him, but it's all moving along.  It seems like the past several months have gone by so fast and yet so slow at the same time. 

Yesterday I had to register Nate for Bible Study Fellowship Childcare for next fall.  Ok...deep breath...this isn't a big deal?    Right?   So, I fill out the little information form with his name, date of birth, address etc.   But then comes the big whammy.....it asks:  What is your relationship to this child?   No brainer, right?  Well, not so much.  Ya see, I stared at that little piece of paper for what seemed like forever in just awe over my own handwriting as I wrote my relationship as MOTHER.  My heart started racing.   I broke out into a sweat.  And panic sort of set in.  Why?   I honestly don't know.....just kind of slapped me upside the head like never before. 

Holy cow!   I am a MOTHER to not one...not two....but THREE children. (One of which doesn't even know that I even exist).   Sit.  Inhale.  Exhale.  Cry.   Scream outloud if you must.  I think I did it all of this in  very same minute. 

What on earth am I doing?  WHY am I doing this?  Why would I be giving up my happy, comfortable lifestyle to  bring in an orphan that has been diagnosed with some physical issues that will require surgery?  Why would I parent a child who has been described as having a bad temper?   Am I ready for my daily life to be completely turned upside-down?   I don't like change and I'm terrified of wicked storms.  I especially don't deal well with lack of sleep  and knock-out-drag-out-temper-tantrums.  WHY am I doing this?  WHY has God called ME to adopt?    HOW on earth am I gonna be able to parent a 4 year old angry hurricane PLUS have time to lovingly and patiently parent 2 older daughters that have important life issues of their own to learn and work though??  With all of Nate's medical appointments, therapy and ongoing needs, how will I ever get my business work done?  I can't afford to quit my job!  I absolutely love that my job is flexible enough to work around these things and all.  But...seriously...are there really enough hours in a day to get it all done? 

Will life ever be the same? 

No. 

Some have said that I'm changing his life forever.   Right now, I'm standing face-to-face in the reality that MY life is getting ready to change forever.      

And ya know what?   It's all gonna be ok.