Uncertain Times

So many questions.  So few answers.

Almost every day, someone asks us, "When are you leaving for China?"     Months ago, I'd say hopefully sometime this fall.   About 2 weeks ago, I'd say October 10th.  Now that my immigration officer dragged her feet and waited an extra day to mail out Emmajane's visa application,  it's cost us another week in the waiting.  Who knew an extra day could cause such a huge delay?   (she's TOTALLY off my Christmas card list!)  On top of that, this is the time of year that China closes.  Yes, the entire country closes due to a holiday in early October which knocks out about 2 more weeks of potential travel dates.      So, now ask me when we'll travel.   *sigh*

I've also heard a hundred times "It's all God's perfect timing"...."it happens for a reason"..."she'll be here before you know it"...yadda, yadda , yadda.   Although I agree with all of that, I've never been a patient waiter and it's especially hard to wait because of this:

She KNOWS specifically that WE are coming!   These pictures made my heart leap for joy and sadness at the same time. Remember when you were a little kid and the summer seemed to last an eternity?  Imagine knowing that you have a new mommy and daddy from America who are coming to get you...yet every day just drags on.

Then there are days when I'm actually fearful of getting on that plane to go get her.   Let's face it, anyone who knows our story will tell you that our journey to Liam was hard, but after we met him it was even harder.  Like, WAY harder.  He's been home almost 2 years and I think he and I are just now  starting to really, really like each other.  When we first came home, he didn't come to me for comfort.  After he had his most recent surgery last month, he couldn't get enough of Mama.

The more I talk to other adoptive families,  the more that I'm understanding how common this really is.  It's one of those "no-no's" that a lot of folks are ashamed of or embarrassed to talk about.   Truth be told, adoption and bonding isn't always natural or easy.   It's flat out hard, and if I'm going to be really truthful, I'm bracing myself for another not-so-fun time.   God didn't say it was gonna be easy, He just said we wouldn't be alone.

Then there's that one thing that brings me to tears every time:  the thought of leaving "my baby" and "my bean".       We aren't able to travel with our other kiddos this time due to the sheer cost of plane tickets, thus they'll be home with Grandma for the 2 weeks we are on the other side of the world.  I've heard a hundred more times "They'll be just fine" ,  "It will go by so fast!", "It's better that they're not there because xyz..."   Some of those things I agree with.  However, let's go back to our last visit to China...not so good.    Those girls were the air I breathed.  They were nothing but comfort to me. When everything was weird, sad, smelly and plain-old stressful, their hugs gave me strength and the scent of their hair brought me comfort. Holding their little hands gave me an odd sense of peace and encouragement.   That's something that Facetime  simply can't do.  How am I going to let go on the day I hug these goobers goodbye?

Of course, there's always times I think of Emmajane.  What is her story and how much of it will she remember?   She was abandoned at age 2....a little sweet pea dropped off at the doors of an orphanage wearing a yellow raincoat.   Why?   What happened?  She'll be turning age 6 in December...why did she have to wait so long for a family?   These are things we may never, ever know.

So in the midst of so much uncertainty, there are a few things I do know for sure.

* She's meant to be ours.   From the very start, she was born to be a cherished part of the Rice circus!
* Worrying about all of the details is completely pointless. It takes the joy out of the journey and never changes the outcome.  Like, ever.
*   My house is the most organized it's ever been.  One word:  Nesting.
*   God's hand has been in the middle of this from the beginning.   I am humbled and in awe of His faithful provision!
*   I need a nap and should do so while I still have the chance!