The Dreaded Post

Normally, blogging is sort of "therapy" for me.  I sit down and just start typing out how I feel and all of my thoughts, emotions, etc just flow.  However, this time it's gonna be a bit different.  Since the last post, I've cried a river.  I just don't think I have any more emotion left to spill out on the world wide web nor do I think I have the energy to pour into super creative writing.  So, this time, bear with me as I stick with the facts.  And nothing but the facts.

So, here goes (deep sigh):

We lost our referral.  

Remember that precious little boy we have named Nathaniel?   Well, we will never meet that sweet little face.  Never.    Due to the many complicated inconsistencies we were receiving from China, the  recent diagnosis did not match our immigration paperwork or home study for our dossier.  Thus, they have to re-match us with a completely different child.    Ouch.

I've never had a "real" miscarriage.  However, I'm pretty sure this is what it feels like.  The grief is overwhelming.   I've grown an attachment to a child that I will never, ever be able to bring home and hold. I dreamed of the day we'd meet him and the day we'd walk of the plane to greet his new loved ones.   I imagined how complete our family photo would look this Christmas.   Now, all of that's gone.   It flat out sucks.  There's just no other way to describe it.   

So, what's next?  Well, our agency will need to match us with another child.   When?  We don't know.   It may be a while and I'm trying really hard not to  rip my heart out any more by looking at waiting children profiles online.   For reasons I cannot disclose, our agency is unable to match anyone right now with children off of the shared list.       Another fabulous bump in the road.   Lucky me.

In the midst of all of this, our beautiful Madelyn 'graduated' up to middle school this week.  I innocently went to the Hallmark store to buy her a card and ended up practically in fetal position on the floor in tears while reading those stupid "I'm proud of you" and "you'll go far in life" cards.  The store clerk wasn't sure what to do with me, although I'm pretty certain she thought I was crazy.  On the last day of school I sobbed the entire way home as I realized that those 2 sisters would never leave the doors of that elementary school together.    Someone shoot me!   Who let these kids grow up right before my eyes and didn't tell me??!!     Ugh!!!   

So , between the loss of a the referral of what would have been our son and then the gut-wrenching ceremony of our rising 6th grader following a confession that she found out that her friend  had been "tongue kissing" a boy...... huh?? .what???  AKKK!   Is this the end of the innocence?    Please excuse my temporary lack of sanity, people.  I've never dealt with this stuff and it's a bit----um----overwhelming. 

Have I had moments of doubt?  Absolutely!  I can't tell you how many times this week that I just wanted to call the whole thing off.   I didn't sign up for this (or did I??)  I have hid in my bed, avoided phone calls, cussed at the rude librarian, screamed at the dog, and drop kicked my pillow across the room when nobody was looking.  I have hated most every moment (patience is NOT my strong point) and can't understand WHY the Lord has us going down this crazy and apparently-torturous path. Am I a glutton for punishment?  What the heck are we doing?     Then, last week, I was at Bible Study and heard something that just keeps running through my mind.

  Don't doubt in the darkness what was revealed in the light. 

Did you catch that?  If not - back up and read that part again.  

Wow.   So,  just  in case you are wondering, we still feel it's our calling to adopt and are moving forward.  Yes,  it's a dark time of pain and suffering.  However, I know what was put clearly on my heart when the lights were on.   He has a child that was born specifically for the Rice family. and He will provide a way for us to be matched.   The new little guy (whoever he is) will not be called Nate.   Nate is the sweet little boy we will forever have in our hearts as our first love.   This new child will have his own name, his special identity.   More to come on that.

I can't wait for the Lord to reveal Himself through all of this.  This is NOT the way it was supposed to happen...it's not the way I wanted it to happen.  It wasn't in the plan! at all (stomping feet)  .  I have a choice now. I can get angry, bitter, resentful and push away from the Lord.  Or I can use this situation to grow closer to Him.   Yup, that sounds like a better plan.  I will not give up, I will focus on what the Lord has in store and cling to Him for encouragement, direction, and peace.   Stay posted folks, and keep checking back often,  because when He reveals Himself, it's gonna be quite the light show!    He gives and takes away, blessed be His name!