Starting Over

I can't tell you how many folks have come up to me recently and said, "I see/hear that your boy is coming home soon! How exciting!!!!" Then....I stop....dead in my tracks.    I've come to notice that I take a deep breath, give them a shallow smile followed by that deer-in-headlights look.  Then, silence.

You see, it dawned on me that I'll be 40 in a few years.   I realized when school began this year that when I turn that fabulous 4-0, I'll have one child beginning high school, one starting middle school, and one embarking on his first day of kindergarten.  KINDERGARTEN?!?!  Are you kidding me?!  Am I crazy??  I just started to finally get more than 8 hours of straight sleep. My kids are potty trained. They speak English (most of the time).  They can take a shower on their own, get dressed, and feed themselves.   What am I doing?   Why in the world are we seemingly starting over!?!?   

Our Chinese Visas Arrived!

Am I excited?   Well, heck yeah!   You could tell that the joy is deep down in there somewhere hidden deep under piles of paperwork and pending adoption bills.    As we got our Chinese visas this week, I literally almost stopped the FedEx man as I saw him leave our neighborhood to hug him and say "thanks".  I bet he's glad I could't catch up with his truck, that would have been awkward, huh?

Oh, and the OCD in me has reared it's ugly head lately as  I've already started a little stock-pile of goodies in the corner of our bedroom of things I need to pack when we get our official "Travel Approval".  You know I'm the queen of planning and lately I have a check-list for my check-lists.  (for those of you reading this...it's ok to nod your head and say outloud "I'm concerned about that girl".  Prayers or stronger medication would be greatly appreciated, people!)

I told Joe today, I really need to learn how to respond better when well-intentioned folks ask me where we are in the process or comment on how close we are to meeting our son.  Rather than giving them the look of horror, I should be radiating joy, and peace through the anticipation.    Instead of wondering and fretting  if I'll ever clean the house like I used to or ever get good night's sleep again, or instead of completely freaking out wondering where on earth the $15,000 we have to cable over to China in the next few weeks is gonna come from??!!  (YIKES!!!)   I started to think about this:

I bet our boy has never had ice cream.  Maybe he's never blown bubbles or flown a kite.  I bet he's never had a slice of cheese pizza or played a game of frisbee in the backyard with a big 'ol goofy dog. I bet he's never watched any of our favorite Disney movies in his pajamas on a cold winter night by the fireplace. I bet he's never worn blue and white and yelled "Go CATS!!!" at the TV screen.   I know he hasn't experienced waking up to gifts under the Christmas tree just for him, or  had a big festive turkey dinner to fill his tummy on Thanksgiving.  I know he's never experienced the most magical place on earth like his sisters have by vacationing at Walt Disney World.   He's never caught lightning bugs in pickle jars, he's never been tickle-tortured by his big sisters.  He's never taken a ride on Daddy's really cool fire truck or tried Daddy's fire boots on for size.    Maybe, he's never been told, "I love you."

So, just when feel like I sort of  "dread" starting over with a new little guy and am paralyzed by fear of raising 2 girls and 1 boy, I am reminded of all of the incredible "firsts" that each of us get to experience again through his innocent eyes,  all over again!    And you have to admit, that's some pretty cool stuff!