Starting Over

I can't tell you how many folks have come up to me recently and said, "I see/hear that your boy is coming home soon! How exciting!!!!" Then....I stop....dead in my tracks.    I've come to notice that I take a deep breath, give them a shallow smile followed by that deer-in-headlights look.  Then, silence.

You see, it dawned on me that I'll be 40 in a few years.   I realized when school began this year that when I turn that fabulous 4-0, I'll have one child beginning high school, one starting middle school, and one embarking on his first day of kindergarten.  KINDERGARTEN?!?!  Are you kidding me?!  Am I crazy??  I just started to finally get more than 8 hours of straight sleep. My kids are potty trained. They speak English (most of the time).  They can take a shower on their own, get dressed, and feed themselves.   What am I doing?   Why in the world are we seemingly starting over!?!?   

Our Chinese Visas Arrived!

Am I excited?   Well, heck yeah!   You could tell that the joy is deep down in there somewhere hidden deep under piles of paperwork and pending adoption bills.    As we got our Chinese visas this week, I literally almost stopped the FedEx man as I saw him leave our neighborhood to hug him and say "thanks".  I bet he's glad I could't catch up with his truck, that would have been awkward, huh?

Oh, and the OCD in me has reared it's ugly head lately as  I've already started a little stock-pile of goodies in the corner of our bedroom of things I need to pack when we get our official "Travel Approval".  You know I'm the queen of planning and lately I have a check-list for my check-lists.  (for those of you reading this...it's ok to nod your head and say outloud "I'm concerned about that girl".  Prayers or stronger medication would be greatly appreciated, people!)

I told Joe today, I really need to learn how to respond better when well-intentioned folks ask me where we are in the process or comment on how close we are to meeting our son.  Rather than giving them the look of horror, I should be radiating joy, and peace through the anticipation.    Instead of wondering and fretting  if I'll ever clean the house like I used to or ever get good night's sleep again, or instead of completely freaking out wondering where on earth the $15,000 we have to cable over to China in the next few weeks is gonna come from??!!  (YIKES!!!)   I started to think about this:

I bet our boy has never had ice cream.  Maybe he's never blown bubbles or flown a kite.  I bet he's never had a slice of cheese pizza or played a game of frisbee in the backyard with a big 'ol goofy dog. I bet he's never watched any of our favorite Disney movies in his pajamas on a cold winter night by the fireplace. I bet he's never worn blue and white and yelled "Go CATS!!!" at the TV screen.   I know he hasn't experienced waking up to gifts under the Christmas tree just for him, or  had a big festive turkey dinner to fill his tummy on Thanksgiving.  I know he's never experienced the most magical place on earth like his sisters have by vacationing at Walt Disney World.   He's never caught lightning bugs in pickle jars, he's never been tickle-tortured by his big sisters.  He's never taken a ride on Daddy's really cool fire truck or tried Daddy's fire boots on for size.    Maybe, he's never been told, "I love you."

So, just when feel like I sort of  "dread" starting over with a new little guy and am paralyzed by fear of raising 2 girls and 1 boy, I am reminded of all of the incredible "firsts" that each of us get to experience again through his innocent eyes,  all over again!    And you have to admit, that's some pretty cool stuff!

Mama

Mom.   Mommy.  Mama. 

Maddie's first day of middle school

Maddie and Audrey have called me Mama since they were little.  Not sure why, but it's the name that's stuck.  And to be honest, I think it's one of the most endearing names of them all!  I'm truly honored to be Mama to these 2 great  kiddos!

Audrey's first day of 3rd grade

Growing up, I remember calling her "Mommy" when I was little, and to this day I call her "Mom". Three of us have been blessed to call her by that name.   All my years, she was the glue that held our family together.  She was my best friend.  She was the one person I could always count on and NEVER, ever failed me.  I called her twice a day.    It's hard to believe she was once as young I am with a son (or two) of her own.
 

Mom with one of my brothers

 I still find myself wanting to call her everyday.   I want to tell her all about Maddie's first day of middle school and ask her for advice on how to raise a hormonally-challenged-preteen-girl (she's obviously had experience with that!)  I want to send her photos of Audrey's new smile with colorful braces.  I want to call and ask her how many times she thinks I should call stalk the National Visa center each day until I get the document I need.   But I can't.  She's in a nursing home and has an unique form of dementia.  Mom is completely bed-ridden and cannot speak at all.  She has no idea who I am.

Audrey feeding her Grandma

Dave (my oldest brother) and I visiting Mom a few years ago

Mom would be so excited about our little boy!  She'd be THRILLED to add a grandson to her resume and would spoil him like crazy.  I know Mom would rock him to sleep while singing "You are my Sunshine" over and over, just like she did with me and Maddie.  She'd give her life for him, just like she would any of her "biological" grandbabies.   She would be proud of the woman I've become and be unconditionally supportive of our growing family.

That wonderful woman is a Mom of 3.   Now, I will be Mom of 3. Never thought that was going to happen, but God had it in the plans all along.   I hope I can do 1/2 as good of a job as she did.   Now I want to ask her..how did she do it?  How did she survive being a mom of 3?  How did she balance it all?    Sometimes, I feel like now is the time I need her the most.   I miss her terribly.

Mom and I at my brother Phil's wedding (about the time we noticed she wasn't "herself")

Sheesh,  pass the tissues.  This is HARD stuff, people!

Oh, and on a happy note and back to the adoption.  In case you were curious about an update, our I800 has been approved!  That means the U.S. government has approved our petition to classify Liam as an immediate relative. (Mom would be so happy!) We are now waiting for the National Visa Center to cable (email) that approval to the U.S. Embassy in China.   Then, we can proceed in obtaining Liam's Article 5, which will be the final step before we obtain approval to TRAVEL! 

By the way,  Chinese kiddos call their fathers "Baba" and call their mother a special name:  " Mama "