The Dreaded Post

Normally, blogging is sort of "therapy" for me.  I sit down and just start typing out how I feel and all of my thoughts, emotions, etc just flow.  However, this time it's gonna be a bit different.  Since the last post, I've cried a river.  I just don't think I have any more emotion left to spill out on the world wide web nor do I think I have the energy to pour into super creative writing.  So, this time, bear with me as I stick with the facts.  And nothing but the facts.

So, here goes (deep sigh):

We lost our referral.  

Remember that precious little boy we have named Nathaniel?   Well, we will never meet that sweet little face.  Never.    Due to the many complicated inconsistencies we were receiving from China, the  recent diagnosis did not match our immigration paperwork or home study for our dossier.  Thus, they have to re-match us with a completely different child.    Ouch.

I've never had a "real" miscarriage.  However, I'm pretty sure this is what it feels like.  The grief is overwhelming.   I've grown an attachment to a child that I will never, ever be able to bring home and hold. I dreamed of the day we'd meet him and the day we'd walk of the plane to greet his new loved ones.   I imagined how complete our family photo would look this Christmas.   Now, all of that's gone.   It flat out sucks.  There's just no other way to describe it.   

So, what's next?  Well, our agency will need to match us with another child.   When?  We don't know.   It may be a while and I'm trying really hard not to  rip my heart out any more by looking at waiting children profiles online.   For reasons I cannot disclose, our agency is unable to match anyone right now with children off of the shared list.       Another fabulous bump in the road.   Lucky me.

In the midst of all of this, our beautiful Madelyn 'graduated' up to middle school this week.  I innocently went to the Hallmark store to buy her a card and ended up practically in fetal position on the floor in tears while reading those stupid "I'm proud of you" and "you'll go far in life" cards.  The store clerk wasn't sure what to do with me, although I'm pretty certain she thought I was crazy.  On the last day of school I sobbed the entire way home as I realized that those 2 sisters would never leave the doors of that elementary school together.    Someone shoot me!   Who let these kids grow up right before my eyes and didn't tell me??!!     Ugh!!!   

So , between the loss of a the referral of what would have been our son and then the gut-wrenching ceremony of our rising 6th grader following a confession that she found out that her friend  had been "tongue kissing" a boy...... huh?? .what???  AKKK!   Is this the end of the innocence?    Please excuse my temporary lack of sanity, people.  I've never dealt with this stuff and it's a bit----um----overwhelming. 

Have I had moments of doubt?  Absolutely!  I can't tell you how many times this week that I just wanted to call the whole thing off.   I didn't sign up for this (or did I??)  I have hid in my bed, avoided phone calls, cussed at the rude librarian, screamed at the dog, and drop kicked my pillow across the room when nobody was looking.  I have hated most every moment (patience is NOT my strong point) and can't understand WHY the Lord has us going down this crazy and apparently-torturous path. Am I a glutton for punishment?  What the heck are we doing?     Then, last week, I was at Bible Study and heard something that just keeps running through my mind.

  Don't doubt in the darkness what was revealed in the light. 

Did you catch that?  If not - back up and read that part again.  

Wow.   So,  just  in case you are wondering, we still feel it's our calling to adopt and are moving forward.  Yes,  it's a dark time of pain and suffering.  However, I know what was put clearly on my heart when the lights were on.   He has a child that was born specifically for the Rice family. and He will provide a way for us to be matched.   The new little guy (whoever he is) will not be called Nate.   Nate is the sweet little boy we will forever have in our hearts as our first love.   This new child will have his own name, his special identity.   More to come on that.

I can't wait for the Lord to reveal Himself through all of this.  This is NOT the way it was supposed to happen...it's not the way I wanted it to happen.  It wasn't in the plan! at all (stomping feet)  .  I have a choice now. I can get angry, bitter, resentful and push away from the Lord.  Or I can use this situation to grow closer to Him.   Yup, that sounds like a better plan.  I will not give up, I will focus on what the Lord has in store and cling to Him for encouragement, direction, and peace.   Stay posted folks, and keep checking back often,  because when He reveals Himself, it's gonna be quite the light show!    He gives and takes away, blessed be His name! 

The Un-Update

UPDATE:    We are adopting a blind 12-year-old Ethiopian girl!

Just kidding.  However, as far as medical updates go, that's about as confused as we are.

Many of you have asked if we have an update from Nate's medical appointment.  We just got word this morning so it's all pretty fresh, but to be honest, I was am pretty hesitant to share details about the drama we've been through for fear of judgement or comments from the peanut gallery.   However, at this point in our journey, I feel like if you're sitting here reading this blog, perhaps you may actually be one of those rare friends or family members that truly care and will support us no matter which way the Lord leads.   So, here goes:

On his file, one of the diagnosis was "retard mental development".  Yes, those words exactly.   So, we inquired on exactly what that meant, as a lot can be lost in translation.   When asking about that, we got an email that DID NOT address any of our questions, rather, it said he was DEAF.  What???!!   Are you kidding me?  Where did that come from?  Ok...deep breath.     Then, our agency "found" an update that they never saw.   However, at one point, the name of the child on the update was COMPLETELY different from our child.  Ummm....hello??    So, after another email or two, the orphanage decides to take Nate to the doctor to get his hearing checked.   They called this morning to give us an update.   NONE of our questions were answered about his delays, hearing, etc. however, he's been diagnosed with autism.    Autism.  Are you freakin' kidding me?!?    Where on earth did that come from? 

Ok, by show of hands, does anyone else see a problem with this???   Only the weatherman can be this wishy-washy and not lose his job.

Fact:  you cannot accurately diagnose autism in just one simple doctor's visit.  Truth be told, if you look at a medical checklist, many institutionalized children initially have the symptoms of autism as a mere product of their environment.  How on earth do these people come up with a diagnosis like that on a whim?  And what about all of our other important questions?    Instead of crying all day like I normally would, I spent most of the day cracking jokes about the entire situation.   Quite honestly, I don't have the energy to flip out about it anymore.  There is nothing I can do about it.

Sometimes, it takes us to lose all control of a situation to finally give it all over to The One who does.  I've have no control.  Not like I ever really had any in the first place.  

So, I'm not holding my breath.   I doubt we'll get some *real* answers until we get him home.  There will be good surprises and not-so-good surprises.  I can't tell you how many times experienced friends have told us how often they completely misdiagnose these kiddos.    In a nutshell,  we will prepare for the worst, but hope for the best.

Good news is that we have a Log In Date (LID)!!   Wahooo!   That means our dossier has been entered into their system and we wait for our  Letter of Approval (LOA) from China.   On average, that's running about 72 days.  Guess what is exactly 72 days from our log in date?     Nate's 4th birthday.  Coincidence?  Ummm, I think not.

To celebrate our LID, the girls bought Nate their very first gift.    Since he's got an unrepaired cleft palate , I've heard he will be in need of several of these.  In the midst of confusion, frustration, and anger, this has truly been the fun part!

I can't wait to see what God has in store for this little guy!   

A little piece of my mind...

I have been pondering for days on what to write about.  Honestly, there aren't any big updates.  We're still waiting on Nate to have his doctors appointment next week (please keep praying)!   We're still also waiting for an a log-in-date.   Everything is sort of "normal" around here.  The kids are wrapping up the school year with testing, Joe is working his 2 jobs, and I'm crazy busy with my Pampered Chef business. We wake up, do the daily grind, go to bed, and repeat.

This journey is such an emotional roller coaster.  Some days I'm ok...other days I just want to cry, beat someone, or sleep all day.  I don't think at this moment that we are climbing a big  hill or running down the other side of the hill on the roller coaster screaming with our hands up and hearts beating with pure adrenaline.    Instead, I'm pretty sure we're sort of cruising along right now.  Feeling sort of numb, actually.   Unless you personally have been exactly where I am right now, don't sit there and think "wow, that girl  needs to up her meds."   That may be true, but it certainly doesn't fix it all.

So, you wanna know how I'm really, REALLY doing?     Well, here goes:    I'm tired.  I'm tired of our incompetent agency not communicating with us.  I'm tired of people not doing their job (how do people keep their jobs in this day and age??!!)   I'm tired of being blown off as my time is as valuable as any one elses.   I'm tired of people's lame excuses.    I'm tired of doing research hour after hour online with no real answers. I'm tired of explaining myself.    I'm tired of people's opinions.    

You ever have one of those moments when you either need to smack someone, give them a piece of your mind, or just run away?   Yup, me too.

In the midst of my pity party today,  we went to visit dear friends and their son that they just brought home from China. I was afraid of making him upset so I didn't reach my arms out, yet my heart just ached to hold him!    It was absolutely blissful to see Joe laying on the floor playing with him and the kids taking pictures of him as if they were the paparazzi.    I saw a joyful child who was just an orphan 2 weeks ago who has already become quite fond of his sweet Momma.  I could see a loving child with a smile that could light up the entire room. I looked at his face and couldn't help but think about Nate and how they will one day grow up together.   Today, I was reminded of WHY we are called to adoption. 

Today, I saw hope.

A Teeny Tiny Update

Wow, it's been a long week.  But we've survived, and that's a plus, right? 

The first few days after our phone call wasn't so much fun.  I think I stayed in a state of shock and grief for 2 days straight.   The fog started to lift a few days later and, thankfully, now I can think a little more clearly. 

We've done internet searches about his possible diagnosis, asked several trusted adoptive China families what they've done in situations like this, and prayed more than can remember.  The Lord and I seem to be on an hourly chit-chat schedule these days.   He's a pretty good friend of mine.

So, today we got a teeny tiny update.  Our in-China agency-representative has been great thus far and appears to really be trying to get answers for us.   We found out that Nathaniel is DEFINITELY not a favorite of theirs over at the orphanage.  As a matter of fact, he was described as "a headache" to his preschool teachers and "very smart to learn new things, naughty, and restless."   The second part sounds like a typical 3 and 1/2 year old boy, if you ask me.        

We have also understood that the orphanage would like to do some further medical check-ups on Nathaniel to see what may be going on with him.  Not because they actually care or give any value to human life.  Basically because they know that 1)  We have pre-approved to adopt him and that 2) They have been getting questions from the China governing agency AND our in-country rep. I guess when you have the big-wigs asking you for some clarification, it might light a fire under your tushie to get some real answers.   Let's hope.  Nate will be taking a little field trip from his smaller town to the big city of Guangzhou on May 3rd to see the doctor.  (date of May 2nd in the USA due to the time difference over there....)  

Please, please PRAY that his appointment on May 3rd goes smoothly, that they are thorough with their examinations, and that the report comes back to us quickly with accurate translation. 

In the meantime, I want to give a heart-felt THANK YOU to those of you who have called, emailed, messaged, texted, sent smoke-signals....and all who have taken a moment and simply prayed!    It's times like this that you really find out who your friends are.    It's funny...I can't remember at all what I ate for breakfast yesterday yet I will never forget who has truly been there and have not judged us or thrown out hasty "cliche" opinions.   I know you by name and love you all so very, very much! 

By the way, for those of you wondering---we are still adopting! Our calling hasn't changed.  As a matter of fact, it's obvious that the enemy is not wanting us to go forth with this with all of the arrows he's shooting.  However, that makes it even clearer that this is specifically the Lord's will for us.  

One thing I know for sure:  He never promised would be easy.  He just promised we'd never be alone.   

Very. Bad. Day.

It's incredible how things can change in a moment's time.

We got a phone call today from our case worker.  Nathaniel has been diagnosed with a special need that we are not sure we can handle. It is a special need that appears to be untreatable, as well. 

This came out of left field, as there was NO indication on any of the 3 updates we have from China. Seriously?   How could they miss this?   On one hand, I'm glad that they told us now...but on the other  hand, I wonder if those people have any clue at all what they are doing over there, if they care one little bit about him, or what the honest truth is at this point.  With all of the run-around we've had between our agency and China, I'm not sure which end is up.   

So, after I cried like a baby half the morning, we had to tell the girls that Nate may have a special need that we can't take care of and that we have a lot of big, big decisions to make.    I thought surely they'd handle it ok...possibly even sort-of shrug it off.   No dice.

Poor little Audrey started sobbing uncontrollably.   Maddie battled the emotions by making a poorly-timed joke and then sat there with a you've-got-to-be-kidding-look on her face.   Then the big whammy: to hear an 8-year old say with big  tears in her eyes  "I have a big pit in my stomach, Mommy.  I think this is what it feels to be heartbroken."   My 11-year-old pipes up and says, "Mom, who else will save him? I've already been calling him my brother!!"  Ugh.   Someone shoot me.   Shoot me now.

It sort of feels like I'm 20-weeks paper pregnant and am threatened with miscarriage.

 We need answers. Real, honest answers to our questions.  We need discernment as to what to do next. Do we continue on with Nathaniel?  Search for another child?  Run away and join the circus?   I am clinging to the truth that I know for certain -  that "I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength."   Just not sure I really want to or if this is truly His plan.    Please, don't judge.   This is really hard stuff and a bigger life-changing decision than I ever thought was possible.  Can this process become any more emotionally draining?  

So, now we wait again for a final confirmation as to the exact details of this situation and what to do next.  We are praying non-stop and are so grateful for all of you who have called, texted, emailed, and especially those of you who have lifted us up in prayer along your busy day.   We know without a doubt there's power in prayer and that He has it all taken care of.  Just wish I could get rid of this pit in my stomach, too.

Magical Stuff

I'm certain I have the best job in the world.  (other than the job of Porter paint-namer dude...if you're confused, see a  previous blog entry for inside joke).     We were able to take another free family vacation courtesy of The Pampered Chef.   Really, how often are you able to work for a company that rewards your hard work with something as amazing as this?    So, we spent the entire week chock-full-o-magic with Mickey Mouse and his pals.    Wanna see some of my favorite pics?   

Ok,  this first one absolutely cracks me up!   While growing  up, the Haunted Mansion was always my very favorite (and it still ranks pretty far up there on my to-do-list!)    While we were in line, they had some fabulous "tombstones" you could pose for a picture with.  The girls enjoyed duplicating the  faces on this one.   Take a good look at their faces in comparison to the statues...if you know the Rice girls, this is some seriously funny stuff!  

 Then, of course, we had to take the very-popular-family-pose in front of the Magic Kingdom.   You know...the kind of photo where you must risk your very life to cross through the masses of people, say "cheese", and try to pretend that someone didn't just shout profanities at you while bruising your shins with their stroller. 

We really did have a wonderful time and the best part was being able to focus on my family of 4---no work---no adoption drama--no house-cleaning--just be totally brainless and silly for a change.  No phone calls--no emails---no business-related stuff.     Ahhhh! 

Well, except for that one phone call.  

On Tuesday while riding Toy Story Mania at Hollywood Studios, I missed a call on my cell phone.   The call was from the courier saying that our papers had been authenticated at the US Dept of State and Chinese Embassy in Washington DC and had been over-nighted back to our agency.   

Then...on Thursday when in line for the Aladdin's carpet ride....we received a wonderful email with a FedEx tracking number.  Our dossier had been sent to China!   On time!!   Without a hitch!!  Who wouldda knew? The magic never ends at that place, I'm tellin' ya. 

So, about that Dossier.   I honestly didn't even know what the word even meant back in early December.  Basically, it's your entire LIFE on paper.  Notarized, certified, authenticated, signed and sealed by everyone and their uncle.    Then shipped over to China for approval.   All 1.8 lbs of it was mailed and delivery was confirmed in Beijing today.   Here it is.  Isn't it preeetttyy? (nod your head, people---this is a HUGE step!!)

Now we wait.  Again.  A LONG time.    If I did my math correctly, the average approval would take us into late June, early July just to get our Letter of Acceptance (LOA).   But are we done after that?   Of course not.   There's still at least 4 more hoops to jump through until we can get Travel Approval.

However, right now I'm just basking in the glorious light of a FedEx tracking number.  Can't   Don't want think ahead for once...just want to be still and breathe.     Praising GOD for His faithfulness and unexpected blessings and watchful care of our paperwork.  And praying every day that He expedites this process so we can return back to the magic of Disney....next time as a family of 5.

Deep Breath

Next Thursday, our Dossier is scheduled to be mailed to China.  Wow!  At that point given 2-3 months on average, the Chinese government will approve us to adopt our boy and then all of the motions go into action to start planning our travel.  We're still SEVERAL months away from meeting him, but it's all moving along.  It seems like the past several months have gone by so fast and yet so slow at the same time. 

Yesterday I had to register Nate for Bible Study Fellowship Childcare for next fall.  Ok...deep breath...this isn't a big deal?    Right?   So, I fill out the little information form with his name, date of birth, address etc.   But then comes the big whammy.....it asks:  What is your relationship to this child?   No brainer, right?  Well, not so much.  Ya see, I stared at that little piece of paper for what seemed like forever in just awe over my own handwriting as I wrote my relationship as MOTHER.  My heart started racing.   I broke out into a sweat.  And panic sort of set in.  Why?   I honestly don't know.....just kind of slapped me upside the head like never before. 

Holy cow!   I am a MOTHER to not one...not two....but THREE children. (One of which doesn't even know that I even exist).   Sit.  Inhale.  Exhale.  Cry.   Scream outloud if you must.  I think I did it all of this in  very same minute. 

What on earth am I doing?  WHY am I doing this?  Why would I be giving up my happy, comfortable lifestyle to  bring in an orphan that has been diagnosed with some physical issues that will require surgery?  Why would I parent a child who has been described as having a bad temper?   Am I ready for my daily life to be completely turned upside-down?   I don't like change and I'm terrified of wicked storms.  I especially don't deal well with lack of sleep  and knock-out-drag-out-temper-tantrums.  WHY am I doing this?  WHY has God called ME to adopt?    HOW on earth am I gonna be able to parent a 4 year old angry hurricane PLUS have time to lovingly and patiently parent 2 older daughters that have important life issues of their own to learn and work though??  With all of Nate's medical appointments, therapy and ongoing needs, how will I ever get my business work done?  I can't afford to quit my job!  I absolutely love that my job is flexible enough to work around these things and all.  But...seriously...are there really enough hours in a day to get it all done? 

Will life ever be the same? 

No. 

Some have said that I'm changing his life forever.   Right now, I'm standing face-to-face in the reality that MY life is getting ready to change forever.      

And ya know what?   It's all gonna be ok.